GIVING ANNOYANCE-FREE ADVICE

 

#1:  Try Not to Be a Fixer

One of the trickiest parts of being a friend or family member to fellow adults is knowing how best to offer constructive help in the form of advice. The first and perhaps biggest pitfall in this endeavor is the assumption that we know what’s best for someone else. This pitfall is made wider and deeper when our advice-giving becomes a personal crusade. Despite whatever good intentions we have, if we are overly aggressive with our advice (or in some cases, our opinion), this will likely be interpreted by the recipient in a negative way… something like, “This person thinks I’m broken and that it’s their job to fix me.”  The inherent condescension that comes with forcing one’s advice on someone else is often unintended, but it’s always there. Understandably, if a good friend or family member is having a rough time, we want their pain to stop (as well as our pain as we watch them struggle). However, waving a magic wand of advice with the perfect words that will fix their troubles isn’t typically a viable strategy. Nor is overlaying our experience onto their current challenges and assuming it will be a perfect fit. When you’re asked for advice, your personal experiences will certainly inform the counsel you give, but remember to give that counsel with the sole intention of helping them find their truth, not your truth. Any friendly advice is best received in an atmosphere of guiding, not directing. If you use directive words like “should” or “have to,” they inescapably come with subtle judgment attached. What’s more, if things don’t go well for the person you’re counseling who has ignored your directive advice, an implied, “I told you so” in your voice will echo in their ears. And no one wants to hear that.

#2: Fear is the Only Thing to Fear

Making decisions from fear has resulted in some of the worst outcomes in world history, not to mention bad outcomes within countless personal lives. Fear contracts both the mind and the intuition, and it catapults us into an imaginary future, taking us out of the present moment where the best decisions are made. That’s why the most effective advice isn’t about the grainy details of choosing X vs. Y; it’s about where someone is coming from when they’re about to choose X vs. Y. What’s needed most in times of stressful choices is an investigation into why someone fears what they fear, and whether that fear is taking control of their choice. If you perceive that whoever is asking for advice is up for this kind of self-reflection, you can help them extract their fears from the abyss of their darkly imaginative mind. Once fears are pulled out by their roots from that place and scrutinized in the light of day, they tend to become a lot less scary. And when this process of facing one’s fears is earnestly engaged, it automatically boosts courage and enhances judgment.

#3:  Know When to Be Quiet

It’s good to remember that giving advice is a fluid process that can come to a screeching halt at any time. Sometimes, a nerve can be hit or the capacity to talk about something can be reached that will trip the advice-seeker’s mental circuit breaker. Be sensitive when that happens, and try to stop talking even if you’re about to say something you think they really need to hear. Continuing to fill someone’s mental or emotional cup when it’s spilling over isn’t helpful. Even the best advice-givers cannot control whether their advice is received. The only thing controllable is how well advice is delivered. But a continuous opportunity to learn is embedded in the fabric of life itself. And if whomever you are speaking to can’t connect to what you’re trying to teach them, life will find a way of getting their needed lesson to them from another source. Sometimes, though, there’s no other way for someone to learn but through hard experience. Understanding and accepting that possibility will aid in keeping an unhelpful overexuberance from creeping into your tone and demeanor as you counsel them.

Sharing your advice in an effort to help someone can be an invaluable offering. However, if you want to give good advice in a non-annoying way that doesn’t encroach on someone’s process, the most important skill to foster is being a good listener. Frequently, that’s at least half of what anyone seeking advice really needs.

 

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