THE CRAFT OF COMMUNICATION

 

#1:  Bad Communication is Like Bad Breath

Each of us has a mouth, and within our mouths lives bacteria. When that bacteria is allowed to multiply uncontrollably, the result is bad breath. For several reasons, it’s difficult for us to smell our own bad breath. However, it’s very easy for us to smell someone else’s bad breath. Counterproductive communication follows this same pattern. Sometimes, how we speak to people may pass our own “smell test,” but the people we’re speaking to can have an entirely different perception of the words we choose and how we speak them. What we’re trying to communicate might be very important, inciteful, or helpful, but it will never be heard unless sincere effort is invested in how it’s delivered. Quite often, it’s not our actual words that cripple our message or inflame a situation, but it’s the tone we choose which triggers others or prevents them from hearing us. For example, when we’re intentionally or unintentionally harsh, blunt, or curt, others can perceive this to be aggressive or condescending. That perception will usually trip their defenses, and anyone who’s in defense mode cannot objectively listen to what’s being said. To avoid this, we must listen to ourselves speak, and then redirect what we’re saying and how we’re saying it as if we’re speaking to ourselves – or better yet, as if someone else were speaking to us in precisely the same way. When we do this, we’ll more easily detect the “bad breath” of insensitivity, impatience, anger, or cynicism that can creep into our words and into our tone without us realizing it.

 

#2:  How You Communicate is How You Grow

Our ways of communicating with each other are the tip of a mostly unseen, psychological and spiritual iceberg. A trove of internal processes and growth opportunities are revealed when we analyze how we speak to others and how others speak to us. Off-putting words or tones of voice don’t just surface out of nowhere. When we hear them from ourselves or from another, their source is unfailingly a negative emotion pointing to a deeper issue. Anger is usually sponsored by fear; criticism can come from insecurity; bossiness often sprouts from an unhealthy obsession with control, and the list goes on. If you attentively replay your mental recording of any interaction you’ve had with anyone, you’ll begin to see an undercurrent of where they’re coming from when they speak. The benefit of seeing this is that you can’t help but have greater compassion for someone - even if they’re lashing out - when you understand that they are afraid or hurting inside. And when you notice similar, unhealed aspects within yourself, you’ll develop more self-compassion and self-forgiveness, and you’ll discover an inner roadmap to healing those raw emotions at their source.

Of course, when watching yourself or others communicate with empathy, kindness, patience, and love, you’ll see the tip of a different iceberg - an evolving iceberg… one that reflects maturity and a fully engaged growth process in magnificent bloom.

 

#3:  Strategic Authenticity is Key

This may seem counterintuitive, but it doesn’t always serve you to be authentic. As we’ve established, it benefits our relationships, as well as our effectiveness in life, to keep our “bad breath” of negative emotions from spreading around to others. But we’re all humans who are evolving, and sometimes we have bad days when it’s difficult to speak or act with love and patience. On those days, our authentic inner atmosphere is not very pretty. This is when it’s important to remember the adage, “Fake it till you make it.” When someone triggers you on a bad day, you may feel it’s authentic to snap at them or to be snarky, but this inevitably works against you as it can damage relationships and leave you feeling regretful. Taking a deep breath, faking a smile, and even offering a head nod or two to buy time will go a long way in giving you internal space to cool down and respond tactfully. Bottling up anger, of course, isn’t helpful either. But there are many proven methods to vent and manage anger in ways that don’t involve nuclear blasts of emotional outbursts. Many of those methods are ongoing and proactive - things like meditation, exercise, and even mental simulations of triggering circumstances. When done consistently, practices like those will make you stronger and give you the capacity to change the occasional bad day into something good.

This strategic authenticity talk isn’t to say you shouldn’t share with others how you’re feeling or confide in others about your current difficulties. That kind of call for help and support is very healthy. The most important thing to remember, though, is that life is all about the expansion of love. And the more we try to ground our communication in love - even and especially when we’re frustrated or angry - the less difficulty we will create for ourselves, and the more easily we will move through and rise above our challenges.

 

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