National Indie Excellence Award
National Indie Excellence Award
Glossary of Life – A Path to Joy, Balance, and Peace
DEPRESSION
As a kid, I remember going to a fun house tourist attraction that featured a dimly lit mirror maze. In the maze, because of the opposing mirrors, you couldn’t trust your eyes. And because of the way sound bounced off the mirrored walls, you couldn’t trust your ears. Even worse, the endless reflections made it impossible for your mind to create a map of where you had been or how to get out. There was a trick, though, to beating the maze. All you had to do when you entered was reach one hand out and stay in contact with the wall. Because all the walls in the maze were connected - including the one next to the exit - if you felt your way through the maze, you would get out quickly.
Chronic depression happens when we continuously make flawed conclusions from the dark recesses of our minds. Life circumstances, societal norms, and even mass media can cause us to lose sight of what is important in life and what’s true about ourselves. Our minds can easily begin to believe the distorted reflections of our environment. And without stopping to question our thoughts, these distortions appear more and more real. Unaware that this world of delusion is being created in our heads, we start shadowboxing with a head full of lies. And just like an actual mirror maze, once we’re in it, it’s difficult to think ourselves out of depression. To feel our way out, it’s essential to wake up from the mistaken perspective of our negative self-talk.
When encountering depression, remember this: Thinking fuels depression, but feeling cuts off fuel for depression. Letting go of thoughts is what allows your feelings to be accessed. For example, by resigning to negative conclusions, you can think your way into despair, or by stopping to notice what you take for granted, you can feel your way into gratitude. You can think that the world is on your shoulders and all hope is lost, or you can feel the love, guidance, and support of life’s inherent intelligence, which is much bigger than you alone. And when life presents unwanted surprises, you can have fearful thoughts of loss, or you can feel your way into embracing change and its inspiring possibilities.
It’s important to pause here and recognize that far too many chronically depressed souls opt for suicide. Yet nothing is escaped or destroyed with suicide. Who we are is something indestructible, and our soul’s eventual path to happiness is unavoidable. Suicide represents a frustrated pause on that path, not an ending. It’s like tripping the turn-ending “tilt” sensor on an old pinball machine while trying to tilt and shake it to manipulate where the ball goes. Suicide’s metaphorical shaking of life’s machine trips its “tilt” sensor, ending that particular turn. But what happens next, of course, is that a new ball emerges for another turn… and another… and another… unconditionally and unendingly until we reconcile in life what we’ve fruitlessly tried to escape in death. We are not our minds, we are not our bodies, and we are not our problems. We are something far greater, and we’ll keep playing this mysterious, blindfolded game of life until we grow beyond our delusions to discover that truth.
It is not the intention of this entry to discount an individual’s predisposition toward depression. We’re all “wired” in different ways. But don’t be too quick to think that enduring happiness is out of reach because of your genetic “wiring.” Thinking so is believing a lie and shortchanging your full potential. There is nothing in the human experience - physical or mental - that cannot be overridden by spiritual awakening. Who and what you are is truly that powerful. All it takes to access that power is a bit of humility, a sliver of openness, and a dash of optimism. But above all, remind yourself to give life a chance. There’s always something wonderfully unexpected to be discovered in your life. And when you are earnestly open to that possibility, the wonderfully unexpected will find you.
BELIEF
The Placebo Effect is defined as a measurable change in a patient’s condition based on their belief that they received medical treatment, which was never actually administered. Medical conditions improving from taking fake pills - and patients even developing side effects from warnings on fake pill bottles - is a verifiable and repeatable experiment that has baffled medical scientists for decades. This phenomenon implies that the power of belief taps into something within us which expands our capacities in ways that are not currently understood. It also implies that this mysterious mechanism can work in two ways… positively or negatively.
Considering this, it’s worth examining the beliefs we carry around from day to day about ourselves and about life. Do these beliefs make us feel stronger and more capable? Or do they make us feel weaker and more vulnerable? Our beliefs govern our actions and efforts, and to a large extent, it’s from our actions and efforts that our life unfolds. We all see the path ahead through the filter of our chosen beliefs. If we don’t believe certain things are possible, we won’t see the opportunities hidden in our life circumstances and relationships that could make them possible. Choosing one belief over another is literally choosing one future over another.
This destiny-altering force sounds very dramatic, and there’s no way to prove its validity to anyone other than yourself. However, the constructive force of belief is at work in your life whether you directly perceive it or not. Nuclear physics, for example, has been operating for billions of years. Our discovering it didn’t make it spontaneously begin to work; we simply evolved enough to finally perceive it. When you engage the creative power of belief and begin to observe this power at work in your own life, you’ll undeniably see that, although we’re all human, not a single one of us is “only human.”
HAPPINESS
Fortune and fame… the perfect friends, partner, family, and life circumstances. Nearly everyone imagines their own unique idea of what they believe would make them happy. What’s not commonly known, however, is that circumstances themselves contain no inherent happiness. If they did, everyone who “has it all” would automatically be happy. But it’s observably clear that many people who appear to have it all aren’t necessarily happy. On most Top 10 lists of potentially annoying clichés, “Happiness is a state of mind” likely takes the top spot for many people. But if we can clearly see and experience that things or even people can’t supply us with an uninterrupted source of happiness, what can?
Here’s a useful rule of thumb: Anything that can take away happiness cannot be a true source of happiness. The reason you can’t cobble together things, people, and circumstances to create happiness is because, in our ever-changing world, happiness isn’t creatable as something static. The force of change that is life will eventually crumble your happy model. Happiness is, however, something that can be discovered. And it’s your perspective that enables you to make that discovery. Ask yourself, “What do I need to have happen or prevent from happening in order for me to be happy?” Having to have these constantly changing conditions met as prerequisites for your happiness flings happiness into the future and indefinitely keeps you on the brink of it… always one condition away. This is like running on a treadmill in front of a beautiful mirage. No matter how fast you run, you’ll never get there. There is, however, a way off the treadmill.
As mentioned earlier, despite what’s going on in your life, you can always find something for which to be grateful. Start there. Eventually, that gratitude will spread to other areas of your outlook on life, and that’s what shifts you into a happier life perspective. How circumstances unfold will frequently be out of your control. But it’s how you decide to see and thereby experience those circumstances that makes all the difference.
This is not an assault on having goals or wanting to improve your life. Achieving your goals and improving your life, however, will be much more efficient and enjoyable if you are happy while you’re doing it. Choosing to be grateful and happy for what little you may have is not a resignation. It sets a tone of appreciation that’s necessary to welcome more into your life. And when more does come your way, you won’t be happy because of it; you’ll notice with wonder that happiness was within you all along. It had just been covered up by what you once thought happiness required.
Lastly, there is a magical shortcut to experiencing happiness. When you are in service to others, you become part of the flow of happiness for others. And what flows through you inevitably flows to you.
Not Good Enough to Be True – How to Be Happy in a World Full of Lies
LIE #5: MY BEST ISN’T GOOD ENOUGH
The Deception:
Whether we’re working at our job, parenting children, or playing games with friends, we all want to be good at what we’re doing. Playfully or professionally, this desire is reinforced by our co-workers, our kids, and our friends wanting us to excel and “not let them down.” Within healthy parameters, that kind of work / family / social dynamic is what drives our growth as human beings. There’s absolutely no problem with wanting to improve ourselves by being a better employee, manager, parent, or friend. But when it comes to excelling, problems crop up quickly when we forget that we’re not robots.
From the moment a simple machine is switched on for the first time, it starts doing exactly what it was designed to do. There’s no learning curve for a hairdryer; it gets the job done right on day one and every day thereafter until it eventually burns out. We have a job to do and a role to play, just like the hairdryer. But “getting it right” looks much different for us than it does for a machine because our “getting it right” usually includes a bit of getting it wrong. Unlike a hairdryer’s job, which never changes, our jobs as human beings change all the time. Each day brings a new set of circumstances, interactions, and personal challenges that we must creatively adjust to. Thus, we discover that “getting it right” isn’t supposed to be an obsession with perfection. It’s simply a game of not giving up after we get it wrong.
The Truth:
If you become so focused on fast-paced achievement that you start to neglect yourself, you’ll eventually spin out of control - physically, emotionally, or both. Not only is your best effort good enough in life, but less than your best is also good enough. Demanding from ourselves - or from anyone else - the absolute best outcome 100% of the time is a recipe for anxiety, depression, poor health, and an eventual psychological meltdown. Whatever gains you’ve made in a suffocating, high-pressure atmosphere of perfection can be erased very quickly, for example, with an extended hospital stay or a run-in with substance abuse.
To be clear, this isn’t an assault on doing your best. This train of thought merely suggests that sometimes, for whatever reason, your best might not be accessible. Maybe you didn’t sleep well or aren’t feeling well… maybe you’ve got personal or relationship issues on your mind… or maybe the task at hand isn’t something that interests or inspires you. On any given day, you can only muster what you’ve got to muster with. But day after day, if you make a habit of simply showing up and giving whatever it is you’ve got to give, that’ll be enough.
The Solution:
It may seem paradoxical and somewhat ironic, but the key to doing your best and “getting it right” depends on your capacity to let go of outcomes. Lao Tzu, the author of the Tao Te Ching (one of history’s greatest philosophical texts), figured this out about 2,500 years ago. This venerable Chinese philosopher made clear that he’s a big fan of putting forth a solid effort to accomplish a goal. After we make that effort, though, Lao Tzu cautions us about attachment to results. Much of his work has a central theme of achieving peace of mind. He illustrates that the enemy of inner peace is emotionally tying yourself to results over which you have no control. Not only is a preoccupation with future outcomes energetically wasteful, he argues, but the worry it causes distracts you from your efforts in the present moment. Whatever happens in the future does not affect the quality of the effort you’ve already given. That effort stands in noble independence from its result. If Lao Tzu were around today, I feel he’d offer us this simple mantra for maintaining inner peace in our lives: Give it a go, and then let it go.
As life peppers us with its timeless wisdom by way of our experiences, we’ll all eventually discover an elegantly simple tactic for doing our best: Be present and live in the now. When we refuse to live in the scary, imaginary future that our minds often take us to, we’ll find a majestic inner peace in the present moment that automatically makes our best better. From there, we can accept whatever outcome our efforts yield, and we’ll understand that getting it wrong is sometimes an important part of getting it right.
LIE #21: YOU CAN’T ESCAPE YOUR PAST
The Deception:
Many people were either raised with or later adopted the mistaken mindset that their reputation is who they are. This is another way of saying that their past defines them. Whenever you become aware of someone’s reputation, the only thing you’ve become aware of is that person’s past. It’s only a part of their story, which, unless you’re interacting with them in real-time, is old news. So often, we believe we know someone based on their reputation, but that assumption ignores what we already know about life: It can change in an instant, and so can we. Maturing is not a linear, predictable process. Seismic shifts in awareness and behavior can occur because of traumatic upheavals, inspiring interactions with others, or sudden breakthroughs in understanding that arise for no apparent reason. You don’t know what has happened in a person’s life - or how they’ve changed - since you became aware of their reputation, or even last interacted with them. This isn’t to say you should ignore information about someone’s past, nor should you discount your prior experiences with them. But evaluating whatever information you have about them in a less rigid way will keep you from fixating on their past while trying to interact with them in the present. This practice will also protect you from getting caught in your past when regretfully remembering your own missteps.
We can’t sidestep the fact that past actions can have consequences that reverberate through a lifetime. Yet while some of those consequences are inescapable (like a life prison sentence), we can always escape our past by becoming someone different in the present. When we change, whether we’re incarcerated or not, our past no longer has sway over who we are.
The Truth:
Though who we choose to be is not controlled by our past, our past is indelibly part of our story. In that respect, the past is forever within us. But it doesn’t have to be operative within us. It’s purely an archive - a museum, of sorts. And like all museums, it tells a story of what’s been - not a story of what is or what will be. It’s prudent to use the museum of our past as a resource to guide us as we make moment to moment decisions. Every uncomfortable result and cringe-worthy replay of yesterday become beacons on our personal path to being better and doing better. Our past illustrates that we can’t always get it right, but our main job is simply to try. The intention to be better and do better has tremendous power over how our lives unfold. You’ve probably heard the saying, “Good intentions pave the way to hell.” This is fundamentally false. Without a doubt, good intentions can occasionally backfire, and we may accidentally create the opposite of what we want. But the “good” part of the intention is still there. And if you don’t give up on that, it’s much easier to dust yourself off, learn the lesson, change the strategy, and move forward with that same good intention. It’s this enduring mindset - coupled with equal parts humility and unselfishness - that redirects the “hell” of unintended results into nothing more than a brief detour.
The Solution:
There are two thought exercises that can assist in moving beyond your past. Both can be used daily or as often as you’d like. Let’s call the first one the “clean slate” exercise. It consists of asking yourself a series of questions: “If no one knew anything about me, and I could start from scratch, what would I change? How would I behave? How would I speak to people? What kind of person would I choose to be?” These questions aren’t meant to suggest you should try to be something you’re not; their potential benefit is for you to envision the highest version of yourself that you can imagine, and then reverse engineer the process of becoming that person… even attempting to feel what it would feel like to be that person. This “clean slate” exercise will quickly reveal that this kind of aspiration leads to a happier life. That’s not to say you must be your best self unfailingly; but pointing yourself in that general direction will inevitably bring more light and more love into your life.
The second thought exercise is more of a behavioral diagnostic and is somewhat less subtle. Early in life, as I was trying to figure myself out, I was fortunate to explore two different career paths: one as a police officer, the other as a middle school science teacher. Curiously, I heard the same warning in police academy as I did in teacher training: “Don’t do or say anything in the field (or in the classroom) that you wouldn’t want to see on the evening news.” Both training programs correctly emphasized that those entrusted with our safety and those entrusted with our children are exposed to intense public scrutiny. As explained earlier, your reputation is not who you are. But being cast as someone you don’t want to be is, for many, a solid incentive for good behavior. That’s why this “evening news” exercise can be so effective. The danger of falling too deeply into this exercise, of course, is finding yourself psychologically handcuffed to your reputation, especially if you were to be - very publicly - wrongfully accused of something. In that scenario, knowing the truth, remembering who you are, and holding to your integrity, you might not care too much what the world misbelieves about you.
For most, being tied to one’s image is a profound mental health liability should that image ever be tarnished. To limit this liability, it’s vital to remember that you and everyone around you are sculptures of life, and those sculptures are never complete. You don’t need to be embarrassed about whatever it is you’ve done, said, not done, or not said. The only thing you need to do is keep sculpting yourself and never stop. No difficult experience is ever wasted if you turn that experience into your clay, constantly spinning the potter’s wheel of your life as you continually sculpt over the past by living fully in the present.